Doom Scrolling & Other Self-Inflicted Career Wounds
Every woman of a certain age has a story of how their career developed. While we all have a story, my career history is not that different from a lot of women out there. Our stories share similarities. I never liked hearing a sanitized version of someone’s success. While I am happy for them, I find myself always asking “how”? What did you learn that gave you strength? What did you learn that not only helped you survive but to thrive?
The career environment I grew up in isn’t that different from what you have now. Insecurities, panic at not having a plan, parental pressure (my mom’s comments that all her friends' kids are crushing it – and that I was not) comparing myself to everyone around me. Meeting people that seem to have their shit together while I was worried about having a job so I can continue to live indoors and eat. My early career goal was not to get fired. Feeling that everyone was prettier, smarter, thinner, sexier, more experienced, luckier, better connected, better dressed than me or just plain better. The basic human emotions and conditions. None of that has changed.
What I, and others in my generational demographic, didn’t have to contend with that subsequent generations do, is social media. Wow. Not only do you have all these people, influencers, or whatever they call themselves, coming at you with how talented, smart, thin, fat, rich, connected, sexy, how they are making bank from video posts, reviews, talented, amazing at everything and life is fab, you also have to deal with every “of the minute” thing that comes along: Finding yourself, authentic self, your truth, your identity, gender, lifestyle, and whatever else comes along. Just WOW.
It took me a lifetime to figure out what I really wanted to do…and it was a curvy, bumpy, sometimes dirt path that led me to where I am now, and it continues. I started figuring out my career by identifying what I didn’t want.
It is ok to not have a clear path, vision or direction. Finding out what you don’t want can help you get to what you do want to do. It didn’t feel ok when I was in the early stages of it, it felt like failure. My Mom’s disappointed looks, telling me I wasn’t getting any younger – really helped with the process. NOT. Followed by “I just want you to be happy.” Nagging doesn’t help anyone. Having a conversation as two adults and not parent to child brings far greater value than having an over-involved parent trying to dictate your life. The pressure of everyone asking you “what do you want to do? Definitely adds to the doomed feeling and anxiety. I am trying hard not to have that be the question I ask when I am having conversations… with anyone. I would rather hear about what you are doing now.
Let’s talk about “where you are right now.” Make the most of where you are now. What can you do to get “more” out of where you currently are? Look for opportunities. Or get out. I tell people I am coaching when asked; It is not my job to plan your career path or validate you. What do you want? What are you bringing to the role? ‘How can I help you? ' is a better conversation. When I bitched about my job and lack of opportunity I heard: Dig deep, pull up your big girl pants, rub some dirt on it. How does that actually help? It doesn’t, it just reinforces that other people don’t have answers either. Start moving forward by taking ownership. Look for projects or work no one wants. Keep track of those items so when the time comes (one on ones, reviews, gives you a chance to highlight it) you are ready. Early in my career I asked my boss if he would keep me in mind for any opportunities in the company. He asked what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t know what was available, but I was ready for opportunities. He told me to figure out what I had to offer. Find a need in the company, a gap or pain point and bring him the idea. If it had merit, they would create something for me. I thanked him and left his office. I was pissed. I thought he was blowing me off. It took me months to realize what he was really saying. The eventual takeaway: Why wait on others, start promoting and advocating for yourself. I brought him numerous ideas. He shot a lot of them down, but not all and those were the ones I ran with and helped to build my reputation in the company and the industry and starting to turn a job into a career.
Life is ordered by the choices you make. Like it or not, that starts early in your life. How you react, who you associate with. What you choose to do or not do. I have made good choices and some not so great. I learned from all of them and had to live with them. I gained the experience of how to handle situations in the future, how to handle myself, and my approach. I can’t change how others react to me, but I can control how I react to situations and people. Life experience, work life experiences - all factor in. Your past is not a mistake, it is a learning opportunity. (if I had to be judged from some of my past mistakes, I would never leave my house and I did not have to deal with social media back then). Who you are is the result of your decisions. A company I worked for sent to help a company we acquired with their credit and collection issues. While I was there, I was invited by the former owner to join him and his wife for dinner that evening. We were having a lovely time with the conversation flowing. They shared a story about their son who had a rough time, dropped out of college, struggling with two-time rehab failure but was finally on a good path. They asked me about my background. I gave the basics. They asked where I went to college. This was a touchy subject for me, I didn’t go to college. I had a scholarship, but I had to make a choice and college wasn’t in the cards. The why doesn’t matter, but I was embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t gone. I never lied about it. I changed the subject, deflected. But after all they shared, I figured it was safe to admit I hadn’t gone. I was wrong. To say the rest of the noticeably short evening was awkward is kind. They couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. I barely held my tears until I reached my hotel room. I was crushed. I made myself vulnerable and got it slapped back in my face. I called my husband that night and told him what happened. He asked me if I was going to let one opinion make me tuck tail? It didn’t make it sting any less, but I got the message. My company sent me there to fix their problems.) So, suck on that. I walked into that company the next day and did my job. I had to keep reminding myself that I was there because of my abilities, not my pedigree. Was it hard? Absolutely! Did it mess with my head? Yep. I was a little broken but not defeated. Had I decided to let two people I really didn’t know impact me self-worth that greatly how would that have impacted me in the long run.
Limit the negative shitnits. You may work with or deal with negative, nasty, jealous or snarky people but you don’t have to get on their level or spend time with them. Keep the interaction short and sweet if you can’t avoid them. That goes triple for social media. Snapchat, Instagram, FB, YouTube or any of the other social media that are nasty and negative or so sugary sweet, everything is awesome all the time – just don’t. You don’t have to be Ted Lasso bright side all the time, but why seek out that interaction? I mean, even Ted had issues to deal with. Put a timer on your scrolling. You don’t have to eliminate it, but control how it is impacting your life. Compartmentalize it. Focus instead on building YOUR world, your community. Everyone needs support. Connections and networking are key. Build a community of mentors, coaches, resources, people you can reach out to for support, coaching, an introduction, help, feedback and advice. Have some people in your world who will objectively give you honest advice and feedback. Who will give that to you unvarnished, hopefully as kindly as they can but will give without a sugar coating . Friends aren’t always the best for that. I have lost friends who asked for my honest input. They didn’t like it and never spoke to me again. Now I ask, “Are you sure? Will you still talk to me when we are done?” It takes courage to reach out to someone and ask for help/advice. At my age, I still do. The phrase if you never ask, you never get is true. No one achieves it alone. Why would you want to?
Don’t be afraid to fail. You will fail and it will be okay. Don’t give up. I was turned down many times by countless people before I got my first book published. Frustratingly by people who I had relationships with who were in the publishing business. People I thought could help me. They all had lots of advice, but no actual help. It was extremely discouraging. I decided I would self-publish. A company approached me to collaborate on a project. We put the deal together and I told them I could not start the project until I finished publishing my book. After some discussion, we worked out a deal and they published it. Had I not said anything that chance would have never happened. One conference I was speaking at, one of the very first ones, was an epic disappointment on paper. The session was in an obscure location I could barely find and when I got there and set up, I waited. One attendee showed up. I was crushed. I didn’t want to go through a whole session for one person. I wanted to pretend it never happened. Gloss over it. We looked at each other for a few minutes, I asked if he was game, I was too. We talked through his personalized session. I didn’t want to tell anyone that the attendance was one person. It felt like a failure. It was hard not to take it personally. It took time to realize the value of what I learned. It takes grace to fail and learn.
BTW I got the opportunity to present those sessions at the company’s yearly trade show in the first place after I kept bringing it up over and over. My boss finally agreed, but with the condition that if it failed, he would fire me. He meant it. I took the opportunity. I was worried, a little scared. What I finally figured out is that if I want someone to believe in my idea’s, believe in me, I have to be willing to have some skin in the game. If I don’t believe in me and my ideas, why should they?
Practice mental strength. Women tend to be more emotional. The more objective you can be, the more credibility you will have. If your mad, it is ok to cry, but do it in your car, or the shower or with someone you trust (keep in mind, not everyone at work is your friend or has your best interest, choose wisely). I was approached by a journalist, a big name in my industry. He saw me speak and wanted to tell a story on my approach to my role. I was thrilled. My company was not. Our president said NOPE. His logic was someone would read about me and try to steal me away. Crazy right? My manager fought for me, the company let me do the interview and then after the story was written, my company said no. I wanted to quit on the spot. But I had bills, family, pets. I had to swallow my anger and frustration and regroup. I had to make a choice: find a way to work through it and stay working there or move on. I cried all the way home and some more when I got there. I kept that opportunity in the back of my mind, kept that connection and didn’t give up. Over time, I convinced the editor to publish an article I had written (excerpt from the book I was working on), sometime later I pitched writing a column for his publication and we made it happen. The old president was gone by then. Things change, circumstances change, my determination did not. If it is important to you, try again. And again. As I gained career success, I got labeled a “shameless land grabber” because I had gained numerous departments that I was responsible for. It is funny now, but at the time it hurt. As did all the shitty things I got to hear about myself via the grapevine. Reminding myself what my goals are, who I am at my core, what I wanted and to stop being so invested in other people’s opinion. Takes mental strength and a solid network to rely on.
Develop and protect the “Brand that is you.” What do I mean? Personal branding, a product or company, you have a personal brand, creating a unique identity for yourself. You probably already have one and might not know it. It is how others perceive you, your reputation, values, skills, personality – developing a strong personal brand can help establish trust, credibility and increase your visibility. What do you want to be known for? How you conduct yourself. The whole “finding myself, authentic self, my truth, my identity” has become such a bastardized version of what it started out as and has become a punchline. If you show up to work in your cosplay outfit, I am judging you. We are all judgmental. I am. I used to say I wasn’t, but after some harsh introspection, I admit, I am. We shouldn’t judge people by the way they look, dress, talk, how much or how much/little makeup they are wearing, their hair color, size of their ass, but we do. If you are honest with yourself, you judged me as soon as I stood in front of you. Be aware of what you are projecting and to who. Personal and professional lives are very blurry now. Everyone can see everything. How you represent yourself is how I perceive you are going to represent our company. Before I left my first VP role, I had been with them for 16 years and was their only female VP. When our parent company attorney found out he called me and said if I was unhappy or wanted to make a change why didn’t I call him? They would have made a place for me at the world office. But…I would have to make some changes: I talked too loudly, laughed too loud, swore too much, not serious enough, would have to dress “more corporate.” No thanks. I don’t want to change who I am completely. Adjustments sure, but did I really want to alter my personality? Nope. Decide what you can and cannot accept and who you are at your core. If dressing up or goth makeup is important to you, then find a company that supports that. I have lots of interests outside of my work life, but there are not two different personas. Who I am in my work life is who I am in my home life. Who do you really want to be?
Success looks different to everyone and may not look how you originally thought it would. Keep an open mind and people out of your head—and off your digital!
